Gotta Laugh to Keep from Cryin'...

From March 1st, 2007 - December 27, 2007, I fought a good battle against cancer...stayed positive...optimistic...didn't let it change my life much.

Thought I was done at the end of 2007...celebrated...began the year feeling like I'd just conquered a beast...started looking to the future...wondering what to do next...I know there is more for me to do.

March 3rd, 2008...bought a new car...figured I deserved it...medical bills won't be as humungous...I'll be able to afford it. I was nervous about the purchase...but many convinced me it was a good call.

March 4th, 2008...a freakin' day later...I get a call from the Dr.'s office, "Your CA125 is up. Last month is was 16...this month it's 71. We want to run it again to make sure it wasn't a bad test."

Right now, that damn CA125 number is running my life. It shouldn't be over 35...the 2nd time it was 171 or something too high. Time to start up on chemo again...oh, that was nice 2 month break after a year straight...no rest for the weary.

Chemo once a week...3 weeks on...1 week off...for 6 months.

My positive attitude faultered...knocked down to the ground...almost too tired to get up. Insurance didn't want to pay for the PET Scan...made me feel like they really don't care if I live or die at this point...I'm costing them a lot of money.

My doctor got it approved and at least it came back with some decent news. Apparently this test causes the cancer to light up like a neon light...I picture a Vegas sign flashing in neon with an arrow pointing to the cancer cells..."Here it is!" The only place it lit up was in the southern region of what womanhood I have left...it had not spread through out my body as my mind tried to make me believe earlier. That was a relief...could things be looking up?

NOT!!!

April 3rd, 2008

5:00am...woke up to stabbing pain in my side...been dealing with it the last couple days...feels like pleurisy...some lung thing I've had before...only hurts when you breath...good times.

8:30am...DMV to pay sales tax on new car...waited...didn't have all the paper work...(flashback in my head to a certified mail
card in my mailbox last week)...huh...that's what that thing was...trek back home to grab card...to the post office...got the goods...when I was leaving the parking lot there...this old lady on Troost driving a clunker almost nailed my car (guarantee she was uninsured).

10:00am Dental Consultation for Zoey's braces...that bills gonna ROCK!!

11:30am Late to CAT Scan...yeah...get to drink that shit that makes you shit...yeah! You've got to sit around with other people in this room of recliners drinking lemonade flavored shit...then wait...then drinking more "lemonade"...sometimes a nice time to catch a little nap...BUT NO...Godzilla's snoring mother reclined out next to me rattling my molars...so much for resting...at least she got a nap in...biotch!

They did a chest x-ray while I was there...they took one picture and then in the middle of the 2nd picture...the machine breaks down...odd...no big deal...went down the hall to a different one. The weird thing was during the CAT Scan...they were
almost done and then that machine malfunctioned and stopped working!

What the hell is going on around here...my MoJo is way out of whack!

I left there at 2:30pm...called work...said screw it...drove back out to the DMV in Lee's Summit...at least it's a nice spring day for a drive...until a freakin' boulder (ok, rock) came out of no where and flew into my windshield and cracked it..."You've got
to be freakin' kidding me!" I scream out loud to no one other than myself and God of course...a month old and we have our first battle wound and finally a name for my Nissan Rogue..."Rocky Rogue".

Taxes ended up costing me about $400-$500 more than I was expecting...I was just figuring State Sales Tax...what the hell's with this freakin' City tax too???!!!!! F#@K! Didn't I just get through paying KC my 1% earning tax...give me a break people............you can find Zoey and I at the Union Mission soup line this month...good for the diet I suppose.

Zoey had softball practice at 6:45pm...I had to ask Mom to take her because the shit I drank all day was kickin' in and I spent the remainder of the evening playing my hand-held electronic Yahtzee game while sitting on the toilet! (Sorry for that visual).

You know...I've been asking God for a sign lately...is He really out there...does He really exist...does He really care? Guess so...I'll just take this day as one big shitty sign...but next time I think I need to be more specific on the type of signs I'm looking for...God's sense of humor seems as whacked as my MoJo.

He did spare me finally at the end of the night when Zoey went out to the car to get her book...she came back to inform me that my sunroof was open. Good thing because it rained all night long...now that would have sent me over the edge!

April 11, 2008...after my first month back on chemo...I was expecting to hear my CA125 number drop...once again, NOT...it went from 171 to 489 within a month...and I was on the juice! Now I'm no mathmatication...but that's a big freakin' jump in my book!

Apparently the doctor wasn't worried...said she's seen it go up before it goes back down...oh, that's gonna help me sleep better...mental note: call Pharmacy for Ambien refill. Yeah right, like my chemo brain's gonna remember that...maybe at 10pm when I'm heading to bed and they're already closed...and I'm hosed...laying there thinking, right now we are 11 days into April
and I'm broke...financially, mentally, physically...and to boot...my house smells like dog piss! Anybody want a rambunctious puppy?

April 12, 2008...rainy day...stopped by my friend Tracy's to borrow their carpet cleaning machine...I couldn't stand walking in my house anymore...so I fell into theirs. I opened their sliding glass door...turned my foot on the step...fell into their house and layed there sprawled out on the floor...trying to call out to see if anyone was home...struggling to catch my breath...waiting for the pain to subside a tad so I could evaluate the extent of my injuries. Ok...no one must be home because there's no way they couldn't hear my entrance. Their dog did showed up but preceeded to step over my body and bolted out the door...he's gone.

Lets see...it's either my right foot or ankle that feels broken...(been there done that before)...left knee feels twisted...left thumb is throbbing...must of slammed it down on the kitchen table I barely missed...except for my thumb of course. Landed on my right arm...it's sore but seemed to cushion the fall...ok...maybe the right foot and ankle aren't broken...still trying to catch my breath. Well, Zoey's in the car...I figure she'll come in...eventually...maybe I can get up now. It was a solid fall...even gave myself whip lash!

It's a party being me!

Surgery Day...

February 28, 2007...I remember there was a heck of a thunderstorm my first night...I felt like I caught most of the it...since the nurses woke me up every 2 hours...my Mom slept in a lazy boy chair next me and she didn't get much sleep that night either. Not a lot of rest for the recently cut open and ripped of innereds.

Dr. D. came by in the morning...told me after lunch I'd be up and walking...a little hard to even imagine at this point.

Julie Bird was my first visitor and she relieved Mom so she could go home to be with Pat and get some rest for awhile.

The day was full of phone calls and visits from family and friends...even some new friends in this new world of oncology who where there to positively talk about this new journey placed before me...right here...right now!

Then there where those who came by to take my morphine button and cathator away...helped me get my butt out of bed...then made me walk up and down the hall...they claim it helps wake up my lungs and organs...get things moving again...suppose to make me feel better.

Mission accomplished...I walked...I went to the bathroom all by myself like a big girl...and I did feel much better.

I finally got that nap I'd be craving all day...thanks to my Aunt Jo who sat in a chair outside my door...answered my phone...and kept anyone from entering until I got my nap.

It was the most amazing nap too. It was more of a mediation with God. I felt so grateful...grateful for the second chance...grateful for Zoey and our future together...grateful for all my doctors...and very grateful for my awesome family and my family of friends who are all there for me every step of the way...in prayer and thoughts...I feel them all...right here...right now!

The Battle Begins...

It all started in early February 2007...I felt like I had done about a 1000 stomach crunches, I was bloated like a tick ready to pop... wasn't peeing much... kidneys hurt... couldn't eat because it was so tight in my abdomen that I didn't feel like I had room for food... and I had the darkest circles under my eyes... something's not right.

Dr. Barbieri... an important part of my medical team... general doctor... who's pretty cute to boot. He ran test... thought it was a urinary tract infection... got me on antibotics but still wanted me to get a CAT scan done.

February 15th...CAT scan showed something on my left ovary.
Next step... ultra sound...February 20th... but I had so much body fluid floating around that it was hard to tell... Dr. Barbieri called my OBGYN Dr. Niewrzel... who called me that evening... he wanted to get a liproscopic look at it... but by morning he had seen all the test results and changed his mind. He sent me directly to a specialist... Cancer Institute of GYN Oncologist...Dr. Dudzinski... met with her the very next day.

February 22nd...Aunt Jo & Uncle Bob took me to the appointment. Mom was traveling home from Florida so Sherry Jegen stepped in as my substitute mother and took the following notes:

2/22/07
Dr. Dubzinski, St. Lukes Medical Plaza, Bldg.111
 
Fluid was found in the abdomen and some in the lungs.  The fluid in the lungs is not uncommon and does not  need to be drained.   There are two ways to find out if the cancer is malignant 1)  Operate , 2)  Test the fluid build-up in the ovaries  (CA 125 test is useless---too many false reports).   Benign tumors can also create fluid.  
 
Jo asked Dr. which she would personally choose.  Dr. answered that surgery is better because "we don't know what is going on in the uterus, tubes and ovaries and that probably the test would be positive and it is best to take out all abnormalities as soon as possible by surgery. Also because of the prevalence of ovarian cancer in the family, she recommends this course of action as soon as possible.
 
Procedure:  An incision from the pubic area to around the belly button and higher.  Sugery requires 3-4 days recovery in hospital and then chemo beginning 1week to 10 days afterward.  Surgery scheduled 2/28/07.  Jo is to be there at 11:45 and surgery around 3pm. 
 
Feb. 23rd... had to go to a Pre-Op screening and then get some of the abdominal fluid sucked out of my gut. They ended up taking out 4 liters of fluid and I did feel better.

The Zoey Story

At the age of 18, I went through menopause. It was a freak thing... the youngest case before me at KU Med. Center was 27... proud of my record in a sick kind of way.

I remember the doctor and mom sitting there telling me the news and words seemed to leave their lips in slow motion...I just remember words and phrases... like the diagnosis was called "Savage Syndrome"..."pre-mature menopause"... "ovarian failure"..."no more menstrual cycles"..."won't be able to have kids"... "can always adopt"... and my 26 yr. old sister Shelley even chimed in there..."someday, I'll have a baby for you."

Wow... brain overload... must take a moment to process... so I thought it out... weighed the pros and cons... it wasn't the worst gig. No more monthly curse?... that was cool. Adoption?... don't have to fret child birth... I was okay with that... besides, my sister will have a baby for me someday. I'll be okay.

By my early 30's, I was a successful single independent woman. I sold computers and made good money for someone my age. I was in the process of selling my first home to purchase my second home closer to work.

I was just a few weeks shy of 34, when Shelley and the kids came in town on Christmas Eve from North Carolina. Shelley was 42, Katie Jo was 18 and Taylor was 14. She had raised two great kids despite a nasty divorce about 4 years earlier. We did the usual unwrapping of "Christmas Eve Jammies" and played a family game together. We all went to bed thinking about what Santa had in store for us in the morning.

I was sleeping on the couch, when my sister woke me up about 4 in the morning. It brought back flashes of us sleeping together every Christmas Eve and neither of us being able to sleep.

She said I can't wait any longer to give you your Christmas present. She handed me a little package with a picture wrapped in it...a sonogram of a dot..."I'm pregnant and I want to have the baby for you."

I giggled... from shock of course... it wasn't the reaction she was expecting but I've never been a big crier anyway... that would be her role. Wow... was about all I could say. What a gift... what a trip... was I dreaming?

We woke Mom up and told her the news... she thought she was dreaming too. Although... it was all true. We later told Katie and Taylor. Katie replied, "So we'll have a Custer or a Brosin?" Taylor didn't quite get it but Katie cleared it up pretty quick..."You know, like Phoebe on "Friends". You could see it click and it was a good with everyone.

She left to go home to care for my baby over the next several months. She included me in on every discussion down to what type of vitamins I wanted her to take. It was also up to me if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. We found out it was a girl... and the discussion of names began. I liked Shelby Jo... but Katie vetoed that one... something about a trailer park and people with no teeth living in a town called Shelby. Somehow we got from Chloe, the name of Katie's car... to the name Zoey... Zoey Jo!

She had a name, an identity and everyone knew their roles. Shelley would call and tell me things like, "your daughter is kicking like crazy".... or "your daughter kept me up all night." She was Aunt Shelley and I was Mom. Then of course, we had Custer Katie and Brosin Taylor... Grammie's the only role who didn't change. It was a family affair!

Zoey Jo was due on August 18th... we figured we would schedule a C-Section since Shelley had one with Taylor... that way I could be there and experience it with her.

On 4th of July weekend, I went to see Shelley and her belly with my baby. We had a great weekend and we ended my visit with an appointment to the doctors office for a sonogram. It was amazing... the Dr. said everything was right on scheduled and I'd see him again on August 10th.

One week later, my sister calls complaining about these "Braxton Hicks" contractions... apparently common but not the real thing. A few hours after that phone call... I get another one... my niece is on the line... "You have a very impatient daughter...you need to get on the next flight here... Mom's heading into the delivery room right now." I thought she was messing with me... or maybe it was denial... but I still had 5 weeks to mentally prepare... I wasn't ready for this yet.

Zoey was born at 1:17 am and everything went perfectly... Katie got to see the delivery which I envy so much... yet I'm thrilled she was there. By the time I arrived early the next morning, Zoey was 9 hours old. Wow... what an experience...and it's only just begun!